Letters from Daddy 5/1/12

{Letters from Daddy are a series of letters from expectant father to son, on what it means to be a man.}

Dear Chili,

I woke up this morning, much like any other morning. I got up out of bed, gave it a good stretch, and caught a glimpse of your beautiful mother, wrapped up in blankets like a burrito with a baby bump.  I couldn’t help but stare at her for a few moments, thinking to myself, “I am one of the luckiest men alive.”

I love your mom.  More importantly, I’m IN love with your mom.  Then, straight out of a Talking Heads song, I ask myself, “Well, how did I get here?”

The answer: not quickly, not easily, and not without the scars to show for it.  But let me assure you, son; the most significant challenges of character, the truest tests of one’s mettle, are never quick, easy, or fail to leave their mark. Don’t worry though, chicks dig scars.

One of my greatest hopes for you is that you’re able to find a woman who loves you as much as your great grandmother Mimi loved Charles, as much as Nana loves Pops, and as much as your mom loves me.  This journey won’t be (and shouldn’t be!) rapid or linear, but more like an unhurried river, full of winding oxbows and meandering tributaries. These paths may lead you off course, but they are critical in presenting the many options you’ll encounter.  Some fathers might chide their sons for wandering off course or chasing dead ends, but that is not what my father did, and it is not how I intend to advise you.  You must be free to responsibly explore!  You must experience what it is to love and feel loved; what it is to lose and feel lost – all so that you might find yourself again – stronger for having traveled a difficult path and better equipped with the context of actuality.

Suffice to say, a broken heart (or two) is the inevitable consequence of this journey.  It is terribly difficult to comprehend while it is happening to you, but despite the anguish you feel, understand that the world is not ending, and things will get better.  If anything, the world gets bigger after heartbreak; the raw emotion that engulfs you adds depth and texture to your character. As bad as it may get, whenever you do find the woman you’re meant to marry, you’ll think back on your past relationships, only to laugh at the thought of how upset you were.

I do not toss out this advice half heartedly, or without direct experience.  When you’re old enough and want a good laugh, ask your Uncle Crowley or your Godfather Sam about my misadventures with women before I met your mom.  They all ended with varying levels of relative comedy and tragedy, and they all had two things in common.  First, what I thought was love at the time proved, in reality, to be nothing of the sort. Second, each and every relationship was pivotal, in that they brought me closer to your mother, while providing the context in which I could eventually discover what true love actually feels like.

True love.  Is it a cliché, or is it a real thing? I can say with certainty that it is real, but I am at a loss to describe it further.  All I can say is that you’ll know it when it happens.  You must have patience and perspective, which is easy to preach but tougher in practice, because there will be plenty of times you think you’re in love, only to discover the emotion you experienced was but an empty vessel, a shadow cast upon the wall.  This can be a painful realization, but do not despair!

My last piece of advice in this long winded letter is simple: Never settle.  Do not be satisfied that you feel “happy enough” with someone.  In your search for your soul mate, never settle for second best, or be afraid to take a chance on love.  If you consider the four JCT’s before you, every one of us followed this advice; it is what makes a Taney a Taney; it is the reason you’re here.  Good luck in love, my son.  Roll them dice!

-Dad